Ten Years Later...

Sometimes change occurs gradually. It can take months, years, decades, even millennia. But sometimes it takes a matter of seconds. That was definitely the case on Tuesday, September 11, 2001.

I remember where I was when I heard - I was a junior at Jackson Prep, and I was on my way to school. I was right there at the light by the baseball field, turning right. For some reason I had left my CDs at home so I was listening to the radio, which was pretty uncommon for me, but during a commercial break the y101 people said they had just heard that a plane had crashed into one of the buildings at the World Trade Center, but that was all they knew. It was pretty shocking news, but it didn't seem like it was real. I remember saying a quick prayer, getting out of my car and wondering how a plane could hit a building like that. We didn't find out about the second plane until activity period, and then the reality of the situation started to set in. We spent most of the rest of the day watching the news and speculating on what could possibly be happening, what it meant, why it happened, and any other question teenagers would have had. We heard about the plane that hit the Pentagon and eventually the plane that crashed in (I think) Pennsylvania. We watched the towers fall.

There was a certain part of all of it that didn't seem real. I mean, we lived in America. Our country hadn't been under attack in my lifetime. On September 10th, we were untouchable. On the 11th, we weren't anymore. The images of the towers falling, the planes crashing, people jumping...it seemed like we were watching a movie.

I feel like I spent the rest of the day trying to avoid the news. Pretty sure we had basketball practice that afternoon, so that helped, but I remember going home and seeing it on TV and just thinking history had been made.

I remember the next day. I was late to school because I had to drive past the airport and there was some kind of military checkpoint. When I showed up, the receptionist/person at the window that wrote tardy slips (who was generally just kind of a mean person) said "Why are you late?" and I said "Because I have to drive past the airport and there was some military checkpoint and I got stopped for a while." She said "well you should have planned ahead" and I told her "well, next time there's a national tragedy I'll know how to respond. Sorry." And then she gave me an excused tardy.

The world changed that day though. For a while, it really did feel like we were unified. That was good. But I think for me, that was one of the days I started to understand what it meant to live in a fallen world. That and one other day when I was in fourth grade are the days I can point to that I realized...this world is not a good place. The idea that people are basically good but make some mistakes went out the window for me.

Romans 8:18-22 comes to mind. It says:

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now.

The world itself has been subjected to the corruption and death of sin.

But the most incredible thing, to me, that happened, was seeing the gospel lived out in the following days. In a lot of ways, the firefighters that rushed into the buildings and gave their lives for complete strangers represented the sacrifice Christ made for us on the cross. When Todd Beamer and the people on UA Flight 93 sacrificed their lives, the same picture was painted. Self-sacrificing love that didn't - couldn't - expect anything in return.

We were created in the image of God. Sin distorted that image in us. There's still this idea, though, that sacrificial love is right. There's something in all of us that wants it, we yearn for it. I think that's a big part of Romans 8...there's something in basic humanity that longs for redemption, though we spend so much time trying to find it in the wrong places.

But, ten years later, I am thankful for a country that rose up in the face of adversity and united. I hope we can remember that unity and find it again (and soon) as we continue to face various crises. More importantly, though, I am thankful for a savior who not only redeems humanity, but also will redeem the whole world. I'm thankful that he's promised his people he is coming back. And I'm thankful that, despite incomprehensible evil, he's promised us this:

No, in all these things we are more than conquerers through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

That's from Romans 8 too, by the way.

Ten years later, I still don't know what to make of all of it. September 11th, 2001 was the most tragic day in the history of my life and I doubt we'll ever really see the full significance of it on this side.

But I know this...I won't forget it. And if I ever have kids, I'm going to make sure they know about the sacrifices made by the NYPD, NYFD, the passengers of Flight 93, and our brave soldiers who have answered the call of duty in the wake of the tragedy. I think about my friends that are serving in various branches of our armed forces and I am incredibly thankful for them.

But above all, I'm thankful for a God that is sovereign, and that even though 9/11 was a horrible day, it didn't catch him by surprise and it didn't thwart his plan. And I'm thankful for a God who also promised us this...again, Romans 8:

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

The End.

The Question of Manhood

This has been an incredibly long day, but it has been a very good day. I've currently been awake for 19 hours and the end is very much in sight, but before I crash I wanted to put a few thoughts out there.

Two different things happened today that have me thinking about the question of manhood.

This morning, I started the Men's Fraternity at Redeemer Church in Jackson, the church I've been visiting for the last month or so, and it was a great morning. Over the next 12 weeks, we're going to be discussing a lot of issues that face men, and one of the things that especially peaked my interest was the idea of coming up with a working definition of manhood. Let's face it - if you asked 10 different guys the definition of manhood, you'd get 10 different answers. So I'm very much looking forward to what happens with all this.

This evening, somebody told me about a tweet basically scolding some college and post college aged guys for tweeting about Harry Potter, saying it was time to "grow up" or "man up" or something like that. We had some fun with the tweet, but a little later on we got to talking about the actual content of it and the underlying implication that somehow, liking Harry Potter isn't "manly." At least not in the eyes of some people.

Think about that. Liking Harry Potter all of a sudden isn't manly. Or...well...maybe it never has been for some. I've never been a Harry Potter fan, but I don't hate it or anything, I just haven't read any of the books or seen any of the movies. But all of a sudden your opinion on Harry Potter determines at least part of your manhood? I mean, somehow liking Harry Potter and tweeting about it makes you less of a man, but not liking Harry Potter and not tweeting about it makes you more of a man?

If any part of your view of manhood is based on how you feel about a series of fantasy novels, I'd say your view of manhood overall is shallow and pretty superficial. And I'd also argue that there's something in those books that stirs something very positive about manhood up in all of us, but more on that later. How you feel about a particular book is irrelevant, but I think those books touch on something very real and very tangible that we all desire as men.

I just don't think being a man is that shallow. I'm thankful for awesome example of godly, manly men in my life, but while they are/were all without a doubt "real" (whatever that means) men, they all look completely different. One of my grandfathers is as tough as nails, he builds things, he's worked in factories or doing other kinds of manual labor his entire life. He loves hunting and fishing and everything outdoors. My other grandfather loved classical music and reading theology. He worked in an office and on computers. Yeah, he liked to do outdoorsy stuff too, but they looked like totally different men and their lives looked very different. My dad doesn't look exactly like either of them, either. He embodies certain traits that they both have, but he's not exactly like either one of them. Oh and he likes fantasy stories and awful sci-fi movies. And we talk about Star Wars, Star Trek, and other stuff like that. But that's another story. But they were all definitely men and the embodiment of manhood. They love(d) their wives, their families, their God, their church, and it's not just in the wake up, work 9-5, come back and be left alone way - they enjoy(ed) rich, deep relationships with their families and friends...I mean I don't even really know how to explain it, I just know I want to be like them.

But looking at Harry Potter...these stories are wildly popular, and they're widely recognized as good literature. I think fantasy stories awaken something in us though. I mean I can't speak to Harry Potter, but I can speak to Star Wars or the Lord of the Rings. Yeah, it's dorky, but seeing someone realize their purpose in life, fight for it, and achieve it is something I think resonates with all of us. I mean, we're wired to have purpose. We're wired to experience adventure. These are things that Wild at Heart, the basic Christian treatise on manhood (again...not a book I was really in to) but those are ideals are really expounded in there.

And I think the fact that we don't read those kinds of stories anymore...the fact that we look at that stuff and laugh and think it's lame or not manly...I think that's part of why men are just kind of blah now. Our sense of wonder and adventure has been replaced by the 9-5, by the mundane routine of working the same job, the same vacations every year, even down to the same lunch place every day...we just get beat into a routine.

CS Lewis knew this. JRR Tolkien knew this. I think JK Rowling probably knows this. Story is a big deal, adventure is a big deal. I really hope we don't get to a point where it's not acceptable to enjoy a story that awakens all of this in us.

As it is with a lot of the things I write, a specific person or event triggers the thought, but these are the kinds of things that have been brewing under the surface for me for a while. I also don't know if this is coherent or not. There are some Biblical things in my mind right now too, but I'm way too tired for research.

Read on, fellas. Even if it can be a little annoying when my Twitter feed blows up with a movie or book I have never read, enjoy it. Life, literature, adventure, all of that...it's meant to be enjoyed. So keep it up.

-Chandler

Death is Always a Tragedy

I should be studying Hebrew right now, but I am not. My mind is racing about a lot of things, most of which I won't be writing about here, and technically I'm on a study break anyway (because I HAVE been studying, I'm just not at this moment.) No, right now I'm thinking about death. Which is a fun topic, right? Always something you want to be deep in thought about.

But it's days like today when I'm sobered by the reality of mortality. I saw the news of Amy Winehouse's death and initially thought "well, no surprise there" because it was just last week (I think) that I heard on the radio that she had cancelled several shows due to showing up one night incoherent and detached from reality. I read a couple of articles, saw where people had tweeted about it, and then kind of went on my merry little way with this attitude of "well, she had it coming." Then, on a message board I read way too much, the topic came up and someone said "the real tragedy is the 30 dead teenagers in Norway." And for whatever reason, that comment woke me up to the reality:

Death is always a tragedy. Always.

Honestly, Amy Winehouse hits a little closer to me for a few reasons. First, because I knew who she was. It's probably not right, but it's human nature to at least be more interested in people we've heard of. But the second reason is probably the one that is the most sobering - she was 27. I'm 26. Yeah, she did drugs and made some pretty bad lifestyle decisions, but the fact that somebody my age could be alive one day and dead the next is still kind of a crazy concept to me.

But, the story about what happened in Norway is pretty crazy too. I mean, thinking about it, it's nuts. Here you have like 90 people just going about their day, minding their own business, and then all of a sudden they die.

And it's not like things like that are isolated incidents - they can happen anywhere, at any time. And it's horrible. Death surrounds us. We live in a culture where we try to fight it as much as we can, but even people who are "living right" are still a gun shot or a bomb blast away from being dead. I mean I remember what happened at Pearl High School in 1997, I saw what happened at Columbine on TV, we all remember September 11. Nobody on any of those days imagined what was going to happen, those kids in Norway had no idea what would happen, and I'd guess Amy Winehouse probably didn't think it would happen to her, either.

The real tragedy, though, is that this isn't the way things were intended to be. Death, in all of its forms, is a direct consequence of rebellion. Genesis 2 lays that out pretty clearly - eat of the tree, die. And we're bound in that as long as we're here. And so to see anyone die, whether they are (by our standards) "innocent" or murderers or drug addicts or any other number of things that cause us to say "well, that person deserved to die" is a tragedy.

The fact is, though, we're not guaranteed tomorrow. Just because Amy Winehouse was more likely to die young doesn't mean it was any more certain than it was for those people in Norway. And it's one of those things that when I see it on TV or whatever I can just kind of blow it off and be like "well we have Jesus and we'll never die" or whatever, which IS true and IS his promise to us, but when it happens so far away or to people I don't know it's easy to be callous about it.

I don't know. I'm not sure where to go from there. You just kind of sit there and think about life and death and all of that and it puts things into perspective I guess. But, it does remind me of one of my favorite hymns and keeps me on my toes thinking about this conflict "between the now and the not yet" - the promise we have in Christ but the time we must wait for that promise to be fulfilled. When I think/hear about tragedy, death, it reminds me of "On Jordan's Stormy Banks I Stand" (which I found out a week or so ago was played at my grandfather's funeral, which I was too young to really remember much from it) and this particular stanza:

No chilling wind nor poisonous breath

Can reach that healthful shore

Sickness, sorrow, pain and death

Are felt and feared no more

We don't only have the promise that sickness, sorrow, pain nor death will no longer be felt, we have the promise they will no longer be FEARED. 1 Corinthians 15:55:

O Death, where is your victory?

O Death, where is your sting?

But we also know that Christ conquered the grave, and that our final enemy, death, has been defeated:

But in fact Christ has been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. For as by a man came death, by a man has come also the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ shall all be made alive. But each in his own order: Christ the firstfruits, then at his coming those who belong to Christ. Then comes the end, when he delivers the kingdom to God the Father after destroying every rule and every authority and power. For he must reign until he has put all his enemies under his feet. The last enemy to be destroyed is DEATH. 1 Corinthians 10:20-26 (emphasis mine).

I hope this made sense to anyone who would be so kind as to read it.

On Being A Hater, Pt. 2

I love that title. "On Being A Hater." So good. I should just change the name of this blog to that. But I won't, because it's probably already taken.

But the last time I wrote, I tried to clear up my stance (well, maybe not MY stance, but the stance of someone I agree completely with) on technology in the church. It's the second time I've written on such an issue, but to sum it up, I have no problem with technology in the church. I have a problem with wasteful spending on technology (or anything else) in the church and I have a problem with unnecessary (that is a difficult word to spell) spending in the church. Just like I have that issue with government or Ole Miss athletics or...anything. And it's a simple principle - be wise with what you've been blessed with. Are there absolutely no other needs in your church body? OK, buy that 26th flat screen TV. But if that money can be spent elsewhere, elsewhere it is needed, I believe it is the responsibility of the church and the pastoral staff (and elders, which I happen to believe are necessary for a church to function right, though that's another topic) especially to tend to those.

Please hear me - technology is not bad. I enjoy technology. It's a wonderful thing. But don't fall in love with it. It's just like in my life...I get a new phone because I need it. I have never gone out and gotten a phone I didn't need (previous one broke, changed providers, etc.).

So that's that.

The next issue is that of performance. I think I touched on that a little in my last post too (I might not have) but I want to expound on my views there a little more clearly, because again, I'm afraid what I feel about this has been misrepresented.

First off, a few things I'm not saying. I'm not hung up on style. I don't think that because you play an electric guitar in church you're being inherently flashy. I think you're just playing an electric guitar. I don't think that because you play an organ in church you're inherently doing it right. I think you're just playing an organ in church. I think somebody can be a very humble guitar player and a very flashy organist. And vice versa. I also don't think special music, special music nights, and special presentations in services are inherently bad. Meaning, none of these things are bad in and of themselves. I mean, shoot, I've spent some time playing lead guitar in a Sunday morning worship band. So I'm either misunderstood or a major hypocrite (likely both though, if I'm going to be honest about it).

So...what's the point of this? There are people that think I'm anti-everything. I'm not. I'm a huge fan of big choirs. I'm a huge fan of a band that sounds great and does a good job leading worship (again...I'd rather listen to Indelible Grace or Red Mountain Church than Hillsong, but that's another story). There's nothing wrong with that. What I think IS wrong is when worship becomes about a performance. What I think is wrong is when worship becomes all about us.

I guess the question, then, is how do you define that? How do you definitively say "that was a genuine worship service" or "that was a performance"? Maybe you can't. But I'd ask the question...who is the attention centered on? Is it on the soloist? Is it on the guitar player? The drummer? Or Christ?

See, I don't think you can compare a worship service to a movie or a concert. I expect a movie or concerts to be good because I understand a few things about them:

First, I spent good money to go there. Movies are dang near $10 now (which doesn't seem all that much, I guess, but I remember when they were $5.) I mean, I go to a movie...get a ticket, get popcorn and a drink, that's like $25. Maybe more. Concerts are more expensive. I paid $26 to see the Avett Brothers at the Lyric and that was just to get in. Nevermind the fact drinks were expensive too. Our resources are limited, and if we're going to spend them on things to be entertained, we want to know they're going to be of the best quality. I'd pay a bunch of money to see the Civil Wars play again, because it was a phenomenal concert. I wouldn't pay anything to see Soulja Boy again, because he was terrible and put on an awful show. So I guess for point 1, "It's the economy, stupid". Not that anyone that disagrees with me is stupid, that's just the quote.

Second, movies are fake. When you see a scene in a movie, they probably filmed that take tons of times.

Third, a concert IS a performance. I have no problem with a performance if that's what it's called. I have a problem with a performance if it's called a worship service. A performance is meant to draw attention to the performer, a worship service is meant to draw attention to the Father. Pretty simple. Part of why I like Old Crow Medicine Show, the Avett Brothers, the Civil Wars, etc, is the fact that they put on great performances. It's about THEIR music, and that's fine.

I mean, shoot, if your church has talented singers, let 'em sing. If your church has great songwriters, let 'em write and sing. Have a special music night. What's wrong with those things? I don't think anybody thinks there's anything wrong with that. But worship isn't perfect! Sometimes the music will be out of key. Sometimes someone will mess up the words. To me, it just serves as a reminder we're human but God still loves us anyway. It serves as a reminder that, just like in our every day lives, we're going to stumble. And I think when you take that out of worship, you miss something special. Something almost organic.

But the problem is like the story that got cited out of Elevation Church. I know I harped on that in the last post, but I'll do it again, because what they pulled was inexcusable. And then when the story said church staffers said Elevation did "worship, not ministry," it got even worse. That's ridiculous!

Also, the problem is when people do things that do draw attention to individuals. I love guitar solos. But when I'm driving down the street listening to music and I hear a guitar solo, I don't think "MAN...PRAISE GOD THIS GUITAR SOLO IS REALLY SPEAKING TO ME." I think "man that dude can shred. I wish I could do that." My attention is focused on the guitar player and him playing, not what he's singing about or whatever. Or in a song where everyone is singing and the soloists sing the verses. We're there to participate, not listen to you sing. At least I am.

Look, talent and technology have a great place in church. We should embrace them. We should not make them the object of our desire. That's what I have a problem with. And everything in the church should have a specific reason that serves a kingdom purpose. Not just a TV that looks good on TV. Not just a soloist because she (or he) won last season of American Idol.

I have no problem whatsoever with these things if they serve a valid purpose. Which can also be tied back to the fact I think all churches should have elders and open communication with the decision makers.

Anyway, I hope this made sense. I'm fading fast (5 hours of sleep last night and like 4 the night before...).

On Being A Hater

Apparently, I'm a "hater." This isn't anything new, and it's nothing unique to me. If you don't like something that's popular, you're just a hater. Never read Harry Potter? Hater. Don't care for John Mayer? Hater. Think the United States Men's National Soccer Team sucks? Despite the affirmative evidence, hater.

Think having 25 TVs in a church is excessive? Yep, you guessed it, hater.

Now, I've never wanted to be involved in a blog war. And I don't think this is one, but over the last month or so, I've become aware of the fact that (among other things) my views on things may have been misrepresented. I've been labeled a "hater."

I posted a blog on my Twitter account last night that almost perfectly sums up how I feel about church. You can read it here. And let me just say now, I agree 100% with everything Rachel Evans wrote in this entry.

Now, I am by no means an expert on...anything really, but I've read a couple of books on how "cool" and "christian" can (or can't) mix (and actually the best one of these books was Hipster Christianity by Brett McCracken. If you are interested in this issue at all, read it), partly because I'm interested in sociology but mostly because I'm interested at how hip Christianity can really be, and I'm also interested in this question: Is the church influencing culture, or is culture influencing the church?

But before I try to answer that question (which I almost certainly cannot do), I want to clarify which question(s) I am not asking.

First, I'm not asking whether or not the church embracing technology is right or wrong. I'm sure some people have thought I'm some Christian Luddite sitting in my room writing manifestos about how robots are going to take over the world if we don't stop digitizing everything. That's not the case. While I do hate the fact that it seems that buying an actual, tangible book or record or whatever is going the way of the dinosaur, it's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact it's quite alright (except for the fact that when the robots DO take over the world, I'll still have my copy of Isaac Asimov's I, Robot and I'll know how to handle the situation better than all of you, but I digress.) It's personal preference. I'd rather read my Bible in book form and not in iPad form. I'd rather listen to music on vinyl than on my iPod. It's not right or wrong, it's personal preference.

And, on top of that, technology can be very helpful. It's a major benefit, for example to have the words to the music up on a screen instead of passing out a song sheet every week. It allows for some flexibility and it saves the environment (see? I'm not a hater of EVERYTHING at least). I mean, at some point and time, installing those great big organs in old churches was the pinnacle of technology, and I absolutely love organ music in church. I think it's great.

So that's not the question. Anybody that's reasonable can understand that, and I feel like reasonable people should be able to understand this - we don't hate technology. Not by a long shot.

Second, I'm not asking which "style" is right or wrong. Those might seem like very similar questions, but to me they're very different. I like folk music, so I'm going to be more inclined to buy an Indelible Grace or Red Mountain Church album than a Hillsong or David Crowder album (that's not the only reason, but it's a big part of it).

And I think in large part, culture is affecting the Church. I mean, it's hard to see it any other way. I mean, on one hand, you have the whole gay clergy thing. On another you have the universalism thing. On another you have the bullcrap that Elevation pulled (and I couldn't care less how many items were donated to the needy - Christ's own words in Luke 17:2 say it's better to tie a millstone around your neck and jump into the ocean than to cause a little one to stumble - that crap is inexcusable).

Like I said, technology isn't the issue, and I don't think anyone is saying it is. I mean, I'm sure there were people who were pissed at Paul for writing his letters on scrolls instead of stone tablets. They probably thought "if stone tablets were good enough for Moses, they're good enough for Paul." No, technology isn't the issue, it's just a medium. Just like Twitter or Facebook or anything else isn't an issue. It's the people using it. And I think part of the problem is that we've created a culture in which "why" is a bad word. There are certain people that I would feel totally comfortable saying "hey, why do we have this" or "what's the purpose here" and they'd give an answer. And that's fine. But there are other people that I wouldn't feel comfortable asking why, because asking why is just an assault on their authority, and that's wrong because they said it was.

And, if I were completely honest, "what's really bothering me" is the need to puff ourselves up and to try to make the gospel more appealing. Simply put, that's what bothers me. So, technology isn't the issue, as I've said before. It's the fact that the church in America today doesn't think the gospel of Jesus Christ is good enough.

On a final note, back to Elevation when church employees say a church focuses on "worship, not ministries," something is gravely, gravely wrong. John Piper once said "missions exist because worship doesn't." In that same vein, I'd say a church that focuses on "worship, not ministries" doesn't actually worship at all.

And that is something I have a huge, huge problem with.

Timshel

Just to start...the title of this entry has nothing to do with the entry itself. Or maybe it does. I don't know yet (I never know where these things end up) but I'm playing the song by Mumford & Sons of the same title on repeat right now because it's encouraging (them singing "you are not alone in this" just feels right because I've had all kinds of experiences in life where I didn't believe that) and it is good to sit and think to. So, here goes.

It seems like my life is always on the verge of something. I don't know why that is...maybe I'm obsessed with the new thing, or the next thing? Right now is one of those times. There are some major changes coming in my life in the next 6 or 8 weeks, and I'm ready for them to already be happening. I feel like I'm about to start my "real life." It kind of reminds me of Colin Hay's song "Waiting For My Real Life to Begin" when he says "Any minute now, my ship is coming in...I keep checking the horizons..." and I feel like I have a date circled in my head that everything is going to change. And in a lot of ways that is true. A lot of people know what change is coming, but I'll talk about it here after it happens. Right now I just know it's happening.

And I guess the reason I'm looking so forward to it is that I'm just so frustrated with my current situation right now. I don't feel at home at all. I really never have, at least not in the places the change is coming. Since 6th or 7th grade I've felt like a stranger...it kind of reminds me of the new Death Cab single, "You Are a Tourist" where it says "And if you feel like a tourist in the city you were born, then it's time to go." And that's just what I feel like. It's time to go. But I guess the impatience in me is wanting to rush it.

Tonight, though, was a major breath of fresh air on so many levels. I struggle with some things, particularly as it relates to church. I mean, every Sunday is a freaking rock concert, complete with guitar solos and light shows. I don't know if that's "right" or "wrong" and it's not the point of what I'm trying to say - it's just what it is. And the bigger and louder a production is, the easier it is to fake. I mean, think about it. When I was in 10th grade, the Creed concert in Jackson was the coolest thing I'd ever seen because it was loud and they blew stuff up. As I got older, though, I started to realize...Creed sucks. Their music is awful and it sounds way over produced and all the explosions in the world can't cover that up. So you can fake stuff. And maybe it's not my place to judge "real" or "fake" worship for anyone besides myself (but I don't believe worship is purely experiential because then it becomes subjective and there's no truth to it) but tonight I encountered real worship.

We did the His Heart music camp this week, which is always a phenomenal week. It can be tedious, tiring, and very frustrating at times, but it's so worth it on Sunday morning and Sunday night to see those kids get the chance to lead worship and to see the smiles on their faces and all that. And it's encouraging and it sticks in my mind.

Calvary, to me, sort of symbolizes the start of this whole journey, because last year when I was helping out with Calvary's VBS was when I started asking questions about church and worship and all. Every time I go there, I'm reminded of what real worship looks like. Real worship is messy. It's not always a tight sounding band and a nice looking praise team. Sometimes it's just a dude singing really old hymns that looks so happy you don't think he'd want to be anywhere else. Sometimes it's just sitting back and watching the His Heart kids sing and dance. There comes a point where it's not about theology (which I struggle with), it's not about lights, it's not about guitar solos, it's not about 20 TVs, it comes to the point where it's about loving Jesus and loving people. Because I think if you have those two things worked out, everything else falls into place.

And if you stripped away all that other stuff...if your church service was just in a big, almost completely empty sanctuary, without the lights, without the expensive sound system, without the bells and whistles we've become accustomed to in worship, what's left? Are you still singing loudly, or are you saying it's just not a big deal because there aren't hundreds or thousands of people there?

And I have to ask myself that question. What does my life, my worship, look like in those situations?

I don't know where all of this is going. I know a change is coming. I'm ready for that change. I'm ready for things to be new, ready to feel like my life is moving in that direction. But I still have to wait a little while longer.

But I know that I'm not alone in this.

Summer Goals and Various Musings

I've now been out of school for a week. I haven't done anything in about a week. Coincidence? Nope. Having down time to just hang out and unwind has been wonderful, but I'm about to reach the point of worthlessness, so I need to figure out some stuff to keep myself occupied until Summer Hebrew starts. Hopefully I'll be in my new job by the Fall, so once Hebrew kicks off I doubt there will be much free time for anything too crazy, so I figured I'd write out some things I want to accomplish between now and then. It's not an impressive list, but it's enough to tie me over.

-Read. I have several books I want to read. I've already read Love Wins and I'm about halfway through How The Gospel Brings Us All The Way Home by Derek Thomas, which is great so far. It's a series of sermons he did at First Pres in Jackson on Romans 8 and then turned it into a book. Other things on the list are Living for God's Glory by Joel Beeke and The Bible and the Future by Anthony Hoekema (which I was actually supposed to read for ST3 but didn't finish it...oops.) I also have a couple of books on spiritual gifts, Are Miraculous Gifts for Today by several guys (can't remember who the editor is) and The Final Word by O. Palmer Robertson. I've actually had those for a long time and didn't have time to read them due to classes starting back up, which kind of sucks because I got them after a little incident that involved someone speaking in tongues publicly in a worship service I was attending. That's a lot of reading, but I mean...I don't have anything else to do.

-Ride. My bum knee needs it. My fat belly needs it. And my bored mind needs it. I think it's reasonable to try to ride 4 mornings a week, if not 5. I'm pretty consistently doing about 7 miles right now, but I also think it's reasonable to try to get that up to about 20 ASAP. We shall see.

-Learn to sight read music. Pretty straight forward.

So those are my 3 major goals for the summer. I don't think it's anything too challenging, so let's do it.

And now, for the various musings.

Galatians 1:10 - "For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ."

It's not really "various musings" because it's something that's been stirring in my heart for almost a year, and it started with a conversation. A good friend and I were helping out at a function at a church in downtown Jackson we've helped out with a lot over the last year and half or so (he's probably been at it longer). We were sitting in the sanctuary while the kids were singing, and I think it was a hymn. The words were put up on a powerpoint with a plain white background and black letters, pretty similar to what opening up a word processor and typing would look like. We both kind of laughed at it, but then, almost at the exact same time, had the same thought - why would we laugh at that? The truth of the words of the song was not bound in a pretty design in the power point, smooth transitions between slides, or lights that change color based on the mood. The truth of the words is bound in the words. In the message. In the message praising God.

And that got me thinking. I've been conditioned, by two churches I have attended, to judge a worship service by aesthetics. Did we sing with a projector screen or printed words on a handout or even...gasp...a hymnal? Were the songs we sang hymns or songs off K-LOVE or whatever? Did the stage look good on TV or did it look plain and boring? These kinds of questions can go on indefinitely. And it brought me to ask some questions. Why is the church so obsessed with technology? How much is too much?

I mean, think about it. I know of a church that bought some extra flat screen TVs that just look good on TV. They bought TVs to look good on TV. And they are nice TVs. Probably between $500 and $1000. There are 15 other TVs in the "worship center" (when did it become uncool to call it a sanctuary?) and the room surrounding the "worship center." That makes 18 total. 18 TVs. I've been to a church where the lights on the stage change colors with the power point presentation. Why? It looks good on TV? Because it somehow enhances the truth of the message? Because...why?

I don't think the church should shun technology. No, it should embrace it. Technology is a good thing. In fact, a lot of the pastors I like, read, and listen to embrace things like Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, and various other outlets. It gives us new access to people and places we have never had before. I mean, even the guys that wrote the Bible used the best technology they had available. It was pretty much just pen and paper, or some early form of pen and paper, but they used what was available to them to get the message out. We should too.

I'm also not saying using power point in a worship service is wrong. I personally enjoy having a hard copy of something in my hand (which is also why I'm incredibly thankful for the return of vinyl and have, so far, resisted the urge to get a Kindle...OK well that may deal more with the fact I'm broke but I still very much appreciate the way a book feels and smells), but I fully realize the simplicity of throwing the words on a power point and putting them up on a screen. I just think a lot of people overdo it. The beauty is in the message, not in the technology used to present the message.

When I watch John Piper preach, it's one camera, it's John Piper, and it's a less than impressive set of chairs behind him in an empty choir loft. But he faithfully, simply, and consistently preaches the Gospel and nothing but the Gospel. There aren't any high-tech lights, no TVs behind him...just a man preaching the Word of God.

And so I come to the question I've been struggling with. If you stripped away the big guitar solos, the fancy lights, the elaborate power points, the flat screen TVs, the car and iPad giveaways, and all of the bells and whistles, what's left of the church in America? What's left of your (or my) church?

And what should we, as the body of Christ, do about it?

May 22, 2011

OK, I'm giving up on the video game posts. This list is just kind of dumb and...well...I just feel like it's dumb. That's it.

It's May 22, 2011. The world was supposed to end yesterday, but it didn't. But it's interesting that I studied eschatology this semester (though I didn't understand it like...at all, and not only am I surprised I passed the class, I'm a little surprised I didn't get kicked out of school for heresy because...well...I had no idea what I was talking about on the final) and all this stuff went on. May 21, 2011. WE CAN KNOW. But it obviously didn't happen. Besides the words of Jesus in Matthew 24:36, where He says no one knows the day or the hour, some other things came to mind, most specifically the fact that Christ's second coming is going to be a joyous event. I pretty much reject the whole theology of the Left Behind series, but I can't exactly tell you why (yet), but Jesus Christ is definitely returning and when he does, it is going to be an incredible thing for believers. In fact I long for the day. But I don't believe that Jesus is coming in the next 5 seconds.

5...
4...
3...
2...
1...

OK, didn't happen. There are still unfulfilled prophecies, like the Antichrist and the gospel being proclaimed to all nations, among other things. God's not a liar, and if He said some things are going to happen, they're going to happen. This isn't as theologically sound as I wish it was, but one of my goals for the summer is to figure out where I stand on this and more importantly, why.

This hasn't been a complete thought or anything really. And hopefully I can revisit this after I've read up on it some more. These are just some thoughts I've had lately. But Christ is returning. And it's going to be a wonderful thing.

Day 9 - My Favorite Console

Though I've gotten way more mileage out of my XBOX 360, my all time favorite console is the Nintendo 64.



Seriously, this thing was great. It introduced me to so many things. The Rumble Pack, the Expansion Pack, and 4 player console gaming to name a few. Not to mention countless hours of Goldeneye. Yeah, the 64 was a great system. Even after "better" ones came out we stuck with the 64. And to this day, there still has not been a better wrestling game than WWF No Mercy. I had an epic 45 minute ladder match with a friend one night, but I had to leave before it was over and we never did determine a winner.

Day 8 - My Favorite Third Person Game

I haven't played a whole lot of third person games, but it's hard to beat Gears of War...

Day 7 - My Favorite Fighting Game

I don't play fighting games, but this one deserves a mention. No explanation is needed.

Mortal Kombat

Day 6 - My Favorite Intro/Teaser/Trailer

Ok this one has three categories, so I'm going to do 3 different videos.

1. Favorite intro



The Brian Dawkins Madden speech. The whole speech is here:



I mean, I know I'm not an athlete. But I remember intense pre-game moments (yeah, it was high school basketball, and no, I probably didn't actually get in the game) but sports video games are for fat, out of shape guys like me with two surgically reconstructed knees to live vicariously through our favorite teams. And that speech is just freaking awesome.

2. Favorite teaser



The Ron Pearlman "War...war never changes..." gets me every time. I love the way the old, feel good music is set to the wasteland too.

3. Favorite trailer



Another Madden one. This is just a freaking cool commercial period. Plus Ray Lewis kills people.

Day 5 - My Favorite Console Game

Hmm. This one seems a bit redundant...I've already done my favorite game ever, and I've done my favorite PC game...so...with it being said that Fallout 3 is my favorite game of all time, for my favorite console game, I'll go with the game that got me into RPGs in the first place...

Final Fantasy VII



I still really like this game today. I'd love to see what could be done with it with fully updated graphics and all, say on PS3 or XBOX 360. But it's still OK on the original Playstation. It's an all around great game, and it was the only game of the Final Fantasy series I was really able to get into. This one will probably appear in the list a few more times.

Day 4 - My Favorite PC Game

Starcraft



This one is not even close. Favorite computer game of all time.

Day 3 - My Favorite Arcade Game

NFL Blitz



I was never really big into arcade games, but this game (both on the arcade and on Nintendo 64) is the one game that I was always reasonably confident I would win at. There were a handful of others I liked, but this is the one arcade game I'll still stop to play whenever given the chance.

Day 2 - My Favorite Game Ever

Ok, I know it's only been a few hours since the last post, but it's technically the next day and I'm super excited about this challenge. So I'm tackling day 2 now.

Like the last category, several games could have made the cut. I could probably make a case for all of these games being my favorite. Final Fantasy VII, Goldeneye, and Ocarina of Time all get some mention, but these two games sparked an interest in franchises I wasn't that into when I picked them up. These games win simply based on how much time I've spent playing them. So, my favorite games of all time are...

1. Fallout 3



I bought this game on a whim during finals of fall semester my last year at Ole Miss. I didn't actually have any finals...maybe one...and it was like Thursday of exam week. So I went to Wal-Mart, saw that this was the game of the year or whatever, and bought it. I stayed up playing it all night the first night, and I've played all the way through it at least 5 times, as well as bought all the expansions and played the crap out of them, too. Just something about being on your own post-nuclear apocalypse and surviving is awesome.

2. EA Sports NCAA Football



I wasn't always the sports fan I am today. A big part of why I became such is the NCAA Football series. The first one I bought for myself was NCAA Football 2006, with Desmond Howard on the cover. I've bought it every year since.

Day 1 - The FIrst game that got you hooked on gaming

There are a handful of good options here. I started off with the NES and also had a Sega Genesis, and a couple of games got me started. So, before I get to THE game, a few honorable mentions. These are in no particular order:

1. The Legend of Zelda - NES



I don't know if I actually had this game (I think I did...) but I know my cousin had it, and somebody I know, though I can't remember, had the original gold cartridge. I didn't really know what I was doing and I never actually beat it, but this was one of the first games I remember loving. It's also a precursor to the game that got me hooked.

2. Super Mario 64 - N64

One of the first Nintendo 64 games, this game was freaking awesome. I never really was quite sure what the story was (besides the princess getting kidnapped and Mario having to save her) but this game was just awesome.

3. Goldeneye 007 - N64

This was my first foray into FPS games, and man...it was awesome. We spent hours upon hours playing the multiplayer, which was the coolest thing about it. I remember in 7th grade or so the way to trash talk people was to say you were better at Goldeneye than they were. And then of course you'd play and the winner would have bragging rights forever. I probably would have put Perfect Dark here, because we played that a lot more, but Goldeneye was the first. But Goldeneye was awesome.

4. Final Fantasy VII - Playstation

This was the first RPG I ever played, and I was obsessed. I've played through it several times, and it never gets old, even if the graphics are a little (OK, a lot) outdated by now. Still though, awesome game, great story, and it takes a looooooong time to beat. Vincent Valentine is still one of my all-time favorite video game characters.

5. Starcraft - PC



This and Final Fantasy VII are like 2a and 2b for my favorite game of all time. We spent hours playing this online and talked about it at school all the time (I was in 8th and 9th grade...didn't have a lot else going on). There's really not much to say other than...this game is awesome. I still play it sometimes and Starcraft II was amazing as well.

But, finally, the game that got me hooked...

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time - N64



This game was just awesome. I played the crap out of it and want to play it again. It was the first game that I wanted to get 100% of everything (all the gold spiders, growing the plants, finding the masks, etc.) and I did. I mean, just an awesome game all around. One of the best ever, in my opinion, and definitely the one that got me hooked.

So...there's day 1. I'm a nerd.

30 Day Video Game Challenge

I did the 30 day song challenge on Facebook, but I thought this might be a little too dorky to put out there on FB. I'm a gamer, and I'm not ashamed to admit it, so I'm going to do this here. This is the list:

30 Day Gamers Challenge

Day 01 - The first game that got you hooked on gaming

Day 02 - Your Favourite Game Ever

Day 03 - Your Favourite Arcade Game

Day 04 - Your Favourite PC Game

Day 05 - Your Favourite Console Game

Day 06 - Your Favourite Game Intro/Teaser/Trailer

Day 07 - Your Favourite Fighting Game

Day 08 - Your Favourite Third Person Game

Day 09 - Your Favourite Console

Day 10 - Your Favourite FPS Game

Day 11 - Your Favourite Game Soundtrack

Day 12 - Your Favourite Survival Horror

Day 13 - Your Favourite Driving Game

Day 14 - Your Favourite Hand Held System

Day 15 - Your Favourite Game Character

Day 16 - Your Favourite Shoot Em Up

Day 17 - Your Favourite Online Game

Day 18 - Your Favourite Hand Held Game

Day 19 - Your Favourite RPG

Day 20 - Your Favourite Facebook Game

Day 21 - Your Favourite Simulation Game

Day 22 - Your Favourite Puzzle Game

Day 23 - Your Favourite Free Game

Day 24 - Your Favourite Sports Game

Day 25 - Your Favourite Music/Family/Social Game

Day 26 - Your Favourite Side scrolling Beat em up

Day 27 - Your Favourite Platform Game

Day 28 - What game would you like to see made into a movie

Day 29 - Name the most over rated game

Day 30 - What’s the next big game your most looking forward to

So, the Westboro folks are coming to town...

By now I'm sure you're aware that the Westboro Baptist Church folks are coming to town to protest a marine's funeral. I've seen a lot of people saying a lot of different things about them, and it's hard to not join in the criticism and it's even harder to not want to see them get their teeth kicked in. But while reading up on them some (they have several websites that say God hates...well...everyone except for them...) I was reminded of a passage from the Gospel of Matthew:

But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your father who is in Heaven. For He makes the sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
Matthew 5:44-48

The WBC guys are persecuting everyone. So what's the proper response? Pray for them and love them. I mean, it's easy to get caught up in getting mad and wanting to fight and yell and scream and do whatever, but the most powerful thing you and I can do is to pray - pray for the family of the fallen marine, pray for the safety of our soldiers caught in war, and pray for the members of Westboro Baptist Church.

Right now, it seems like we're in such a time where people are caught up in the extremes of God's character. You have people on one side saying that God is love and there is no divine punishment and this and that is OK. Then you have people on the other side that are saying that God is judge and full of wrath and he hates everyone and everything. The truth is in the middle - yes, God is love, but yes, God is also a just God (along with several other qualities).

So, next time you see them on TV or in person or whatever, remember that Fred Phelps and his family (who make up about 80% of the WBC congregation) are sinners in need of grace just like the rest of us.

So, yes. Protest their message. Protest their methods. But remember - love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. It is completely justified to be angry and hurt over this, but remember this, as well:

Be angry, but do not sin.
Ephesians 4:26

I hate that this is happening. I hate that the name of God (notice these folks never talk about Jesus...) is being invoked in this message of hate. But those folks need Christ like the rest of us.

Just some thoughts.

Brandon, Mississippi

I don't want this blog to become my "dear diary" complaining page. That's not at all what I want - I typically try to write insightful things that might inspire the one person who stumbles upon this every so often.

But, I need to vent.

I HATE BRANDON.

One of my major struggles right now is being OK with where God has me. I thought I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, but due to circumstances beyond my control, that light is flickering. I know God has a plan in all of this, and the original situation may very well work out the way it felt like it originally might, but the thought that getting out might not happen as soon as I had hoped is pretty crushing.

This place is like a solitary confinement sentence.

I can't handle it much longer.

Stranger Than Fiction...

As I'm about to go to bed right now, for some reason this thunderstorm has gotten me thinking about what is probably the most bizarre thing that has ever happened to me. Some people have heard this story, some people haven't. But for whatever reason I feel the need to put it in writing.

During my junior year at Ole Miss (2005-2006 I think...it was the year before my marathon of senior years that ultimately resulted in me being a super-duper senior) I got a job working at everybody's favorite late-night chicken wing delivery place, Coop DeVille. My dad knew a guy who knew a guy and I wound up working there. I fried wings and made sandwiches. It was exciting stuff. Anyway, the next day, we hired a new guy. I won't mention his actual name here, in case he searches for his name and this comes up and he comes to my house and kills me. But anyway, this new guy had just moved to Oxford from out west to live with his girlfriend (and, as we would find out later, her mother) whom he had met in a chat room. We didn't think to ask what kind of chat room, which would have been a fantastic idea, but hindsight is always 20/20. Anyway, the day after I started working, they hired this new guy to be a delivery driver. He was an interesting looking dude, about as tall as me with long, nappy hair and a beard. Descriptions aren't important because there's video evidence of him later on in this story.

Delivery drivers need to have some kind of sense of where they are going. This guy didn't. It wasn't entirely his fault, because he was new, but he never really seemed to make an effort to figure out where he was going. It would take him literally over an hour and a half to make a few routine deliveries, and it was pretty frustrating because we'd get really backed up. He was a super nice guy though, just...well, he was one of those guys that was TOO nice. Example: one day I was working on something...can't remember exactly what...but he came up and asked me if I needed help. I said something along the lines of "no thanks man, I got it" and I thought that was it. Later on that night, he came up and was like "hey man, I wasn't trying to be an or anything, I just wanted to make sure you didn't need any help. Sorry about that."

So anyway, we started to notice that said some really weird things. He volunteered a few things that nobody really asked about. For example, he told us he was both bipolar and bisexual and just kind of left it open ended. He also told us that he liked to sit in graveyards at night and take pictures and then would try to find orbs and such in the pictures. Then, the weirdest comment of all - one night as I was cleaning out the freezer getting ready to go home, he said this: "Man, I just really like blood." And walked away. So...yeah. What do you do with that?

I also remember the night that hurricane Katrina hit. We were the only place open, and freaked out and went and got his girlfriend and she sat in the kitchen and just stared at everyone. It was creepy.

Things moved on like that. Little weird confessions here and there, until finally he told a co-worker that he would be on an A&E special and would likely become famous and he would quit and we would never see him again. My first thought was "that has never happened to anyone" but then I thought...wait...that's weird. The show was to air the Friday night before the Ole Miss/Auburn game, which would be in Auburn, and I started joking around with people that I worked with a vampire.

So that weekend rolls around, and I had gone to Auburn with a few friends. We were actually staying in Columbus, GA, at a friend's house, and everybody went out except for my friend Taylor and me. I remembered that would be on TV that night, so I looked up the program guide for A&E that night and sure enough, there was a documentary on vampires. I got a little nervous, but we turned it on, and this is what I saw:

Modern Vampires pt. 10

"Terran" was my co-worker, and "Tanneidhe" or whatever was his girlfriend. When I saw this, I freaked out. I mean, here is this guy I work with, on TV, sucking his girlfriend's blood. My only response was to grab the phone and call Coop. I asked for Jamie, who was a co-worker, and all I could say was "DUDE... IS A VAMPIRE. A VAMPIRE." (please note that I'm not a huge fan of profanity and I realize I should have used a different word. But...how many times has one of your co-workers been a vampire? Probably none. The level of freaking out was incredibly high. I had no idea what to do.)

Anyway, after recapping the story, I had no idea what to think. We went about our weekend, Ole Miss lost (of course), and then I went back to work. When I went back, I found a "Vampire FAQ" on the break table. I looked over it a little, but the only thing I remember was this question and answer:

Q. What does it feel like to be a vampire?
A. A lot like dancing naked in a warm summer rain.

Yep. So...that's what it feels like. Anyway, I quit shortly thereafter because, as I said before, was a vampire. I had a class with another guy I worked with the next semester and I asked him if still worked there. My friend said that he didn't. I asked why. His answer was "You mean besides the fact he went on TV and sucked someone's blood?" And I said...yeah, that's what I figured.

So...yeah. That's the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me.

Crazy Pro-Lifers and a Sobering Reality...

Today, Facebook and Twitter were abuzz with status updates about a van with pictures of dead babies and a pro-life message seen driving around Oxford today, and apparently one (or some) of the members stood in front of the student union and spoke/yelled/preached did something that made people mad. My response was much the same as what everyone else's was - disgust, perhaps slightly offended, and a little mad that these people were doing this in the name of Christ and they were misrepresenting...something.

But then, after thinking about it for a while, and thinking that my disgust, offense, and anger at what was happening was misplaced somehow, I realized something.

I was disgusted with myself.

I mean, think about it - what these crazy pro-lifers are saying is true. Those pictures, whether you find them offensive or not, are the grim reality of abortion. And I, as a Christian, have become so complacent that my offense is placed in someone exposing the reality of what is basically genocide.

I'm not saying that the right way to express disgust or moral indignation or...whatever...over abortion is yelling at people and showing them pictures of dead babies and standing outside of abortion clinics and picketing. But I do think it's a more complicated issue than we make it out to be.

Think about this - I see a commercial of starving kids in Africa, asking for money to donate, and I feel sympathy. Same with commercials for the humane society - I see pictures of starving, abused, and neglected dogs and cats, and my heart breaks. But I see pictures of dead babies and I'm offended that the people showing the pictures are misguided? What is wrong with me? I mean, when I see the pictures of abused animals, I think..."man, those people need to be put in jail." When I think about starving kids or invisible children, I think "man, where is justice here?" But when I see pictures of dead babies, I just label those people right wing nutjobs and try to push those images out of my mind as quickly as possible.

Shame. On. Me.

Right now, Matthew 25 stands out in my mind. It's the passage that I hate thinking about - the one that Jesus tells people "For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me." Then the people answer "Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?" And Jesus responds "Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me." And then those people go to Hell forever.

So...what? I mean, it's my tendency (don't know about yours) to look at those pictures and those people holding the pictures and turn away in disgust, but why am I not broken over it? Why am I not in despair over death and destruction to that level? Why am I not saddened by children who never get to breathe a breath here on earth, who never get the opportunity to grow and develop and...well...do all the things people get to do? Why am I not crushed over the hearts of those mothers who had to face the choice?

None of that is true of me. No, I just look and think "man, how can those people be so wrong" and I walk on my merry way and I never give it a second thought. Part of the Gospel is God acting on behalf of those who are helpless. I mean, this is probably a pretty vulgar example, but what if God saw pictures of us, dead in our sins, and just thought "man, what's wrong with those people?" about the people holding the signs?

I don't know. That's not a great example I'm sure - but what other great sin against humanity do I treat like that? I mean, I don't treat Invisible Children movement like that. I don't treat the Humane Society like that. I don't treat...I don't treat anything like that.

These thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks tonight in class, and it's all I've been able to think about for the last several hours. I pray God will forgive me for my indifference. I mean, I don't want to go out and hold up signs with pictures of dead babies. I'm pretty sure that's not necessarily the right way to handle it. But when was the last time I prayed or felt convicted over this issue? Ever? I don't ever want to see one of those pictures and not be broken over sin. I don't ever want to think about abortion and not be hurt for a world around me that is dying and going to Hell apart from the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

And maybe these crazy pro-lifers are on to something. Instead of serving as a point of disdain or disgust, perhaps these people should serve as an alarm clock. Maybe it's more like a loud, clangy alarm clock instead of the gentle harp sound from my iPhone, but hopefully it wakes me up one way or the other.

Windy Gap

Right now is one of those times I need to be reading, but instead I'm unwinding with some college basketball and a little writing. It's a perfect end to a pretty good day. But days like today always get me thinking and usually make me feel a little (ok, a lot) nostalgic. And by "days like today" I mean a completely blue, beautiful sky and great all around weather, though it was a little too cold to sit outside and read. And when I have "beautiful day" nostalgia (I am just now realizing the incredible opportunity I missed by not singing it with Bono at the top of my lungs with the windows rolled down) I go to one of two places - Malibu or Windy Gap.

Today it was Windy Gap, and I spent most of the day wishing I was sitting at the Sippin' Parlor in one of those big rocking chairs watching the various goings on around the lake...people getting blobbed, people playing disc golf, the ducks swimming, and knowing in all of these instances the gospel is being proclaimed to kids that have maybe never heard it before. And therein lies the beauty of that place - everything about it is a carefully, well thought out, intentional (although not always obvious) way to share the gospel. But I'll get to that later.

What do I miss about it? The beauty of it. I mean, it's up there in the North Carolina mountains. Everything is green. I remember clear days there - the bluest skies and greenest grass I have ever seen. Even on rainy days, it's a peaceful, calm, steady rain that just feels like it's cleansing the earth. On a clear night, you can see more stars than seemingly anywhere else. I always loved the "20 minutes of silence nights" when I got to lie in the grass and look up at the stars and KNOW I was having a conversation with the very God that put them into place. However, one of my fondest memories of Windy Gap came one night, during one of the 20 minute periods everything was turned off, when it was really cloudy. I actually remember being disappointed that the kids (and myself) wouldn't get to see the stars and I remember praying that God would show his glory anyway, and what I saw was the most incredible display of fireflies...well...fireflying that I have ever seen. It was phenomenal...you could see them all over everywhere and I thought about how much God loved us that he would create an insect that lit up like stars for no other reason than the fact that he could. That we could (and should) enjoy it. And then there's the view you get when you hike up the hill and overlook camp. There is nothing like it anywhere. It's great because it's beautiful but also because it reminds me how small I really am.

I miss it because of the memories I have there. Most are some of the fondest memories of my life, a few are very painful memories, but all of them are memories and experiences I can point to as growing experiences. It's the place that the wheels really started turning for what it meant to be a Christian (a process that took years, no doubt, but the process was significantly impacted). It's the place that I fell in love for the first (and only, so far) time. It's the place that I was blasted in the face with the reality that that same love was gone. And in the process of all of that, I learned and grew closer to the love that is greater than every other love - the love Christ has for me. Some of my closest friendships in the entire world were either begun or seriously cultivated there. It also was the place that I started to feel out of place in my situation at the time, if that makes sense. So there are just a lot of emotions that come up when I think about that place and want to be back there - physically and mentally and emotionally and spiritually.

I also miss it because it's literally holy ground. I never thought about it until a friend of mine pointed it out, but literally everywhere you stand on that property, somebody's life has been forever impacted and changed by the gospel. Think about that - where is a place, besides a Young Life camp - everywhere you stand, everywhere you see a person has come from death into life in Christ? (And I mean that seriously - where? Not in the sense that the answer is nowhere else but in the sense that I really want to know. So if you read this I'd love to hear your thoughts). Everything there, as I mentioned before, is specifically designed for the advancement of the gospel. Whether it's something as simple as Christian music playing in the background at the store or the Sippie, or the excellent, joyful service by the Work Crew and Summer Staff, or the way things are really spread out so that you can walk far enough to have great conversation about the beauty around you or the message from the speaker or just life in general during the trip. The gospel is presented in music, in talks, in example...I mean seriously, every way you can imagine. And, in addition to all that, you really get to be a kid again.

All this might sound cheesy. It probably is, and that's fine, because anybody that's been there gets it. It's an experience I wish everyone could have, and one I wish I could have again. And I will because you can go as an adult guest. So...when I have a family...we're so going to Windy Gap.

Just some thoughts,
-chanchan

More College Football...

For whatever reason, I'm really tired but can't seem to get motivated to get up and go to bed. It's also that time of year when SEC basketball is getting fired up and high school prospects all over the country are taking visits to decide where they are going to spend the next four to five years playing college football. Both of these have something in common - I've sworn them off a million times, yet continue to come back. I say "man, I can't stand to watch Ole Miss play basketball anymore" but then I know they're on TV or I know there's a big game in Oxford and I remember how much I love the game and how much I love my school and I'm watching. Same with recruiting. Every year, I say "man, I'm not following this stuff" but on the biggest recruiting weekends of the year, I'm right back online, reading articles and message boards trying to get a feel for who will be suiting up for the red and blue come September. Signing day, sometimes, is a great day and sometimes, it really sucks. But that's the beauty of sports, I guess. There's always next year.

But recruiting is interesting for another reason, especially in the state of Mississippi. It's funny, really, because everything gets so absurd. Accusations about cheating start to fly, crazy conspiracy theories get started, and grown men hang on every word 16 and 17 year old kids say. Absurd really and truly is the only word I can think of to describe it.

That said, the most common theme I've seen (on both sides of the fence - this year and years previous) is the whole "how could any recruit want to go to (insert school name here)." State fans ask themselves "how could any recruit go to TSUN? (or the plantation, ole myth, ole piss, ole mrs...) It's obvious Nutt is on his way out, their fans suck, the Grove is overrated, and everyone is a liar." Ole Miss fans ask themselves "how could any recruit go to Starkpatch? (or Starkghanistan, or the Land that Fun Forgot, or MissStake...) It's obvious Dan Mullen just wants to take the next available job once he gets a real offer, their stadium is small, Starkville sucks, or they have no tradition and everyone is a redneck." And the obvious conclusion, on both sides, is that the other is cheating. Now, I don't deny that a lot of cheating goes on in college football all over the place. And I think the notion that Ole Miss or State cheats more than the other is laughable. So, where does that leave us?

To me, it's a ridiculous discussion for a couple of reason.
1. The whole "one program is on the rise" argument is dumb. Think back 3 years ago. I have never seen a fanbase more deflated than State was after a loss to a rival when State lost to Ole Miss 45- on the way to a second place SEC West finish and a victory over nationally ranked Texas Tech. I remember leaving that game thinking "yep, we've buried them for good." Then they went out and hired a new coach, and the tables turned. Mullen proclaimed Mississippi State was a "program on the rise" and was the only such program due to a 5-7 season and a victory over Ole Miss (regardless of the fact he still hasn't backed that claim up). Then, this year, they had a pretty decent year (it wasn't great by any stretch) but it was a step in the right direction and resulted in a bowl win. The funny thing about it is the people who want to run around beating their chest as if they've turned some kind of corner. Just a year ago, things were still looking pretty rough. So I don't say this to say that one program is on the rise or anything like that, but just to remember how quickly things can change. All it takes is an injury here, a random turnover there, or an assistant coach leaving and the tides have totally turned.

2. The whole "I don't see how anyone could choose (insert name here)." Obviously, if I were a recruit, I would seriously consider Ole Miss and I wouldn't give Mississippi State a second thought. There are a lot of other people who would do it the same. There are also a lot of other people who would do it differently. Not everybody thinks the same way I do about anything. Some places fit different people better. More people need to understand this about...well...everything.

3. If Ole Miss wins the recruiting war, or if State wins the recruiting war, who really cares? One recruiting class does not define a program, and the reason Alabama and LSU are good every year is because they have stellar recruiting classes every year. They don't have a few top 20 finishes, they have top 5 finishes. And when you look at it, the gap is so wide between Ole Miss and State and the rest of the country it's not even funny. Yeah, a few years here and there we'll beat Florida and Georgia, Alabama or LSU, but as far as program stability, it's not even close. I was watching the BCS games this year thinking about how badly most of those teams would beat any of the Mississippi teams. Can you imagine how ugly TCU/Ole Miss would have gotten this year? Stanford/Mississippi State?

I don't say any of this to put anyone down, just to try to keep stuff in perspective. Sometimes, you just get beat. It's not that anyone cheated, sometimes people just work harder than you. Momentum swings back and forth.

I wish I could be a sportswriter.
-chanchan

SEC Loyalty

My last few posts have been of the more serious type, so I figured I'd change things up a little bit.

I'm a sports fan. I love basketball and football, particularly of the college variety but I'm a sucker for any kind of postseason (even though I think the bowl system and the BCS is the dumbest way to attempt to determine a champion. More on that later) whether it's NBA, NFL, college hoops, college football, and even sometimes pro baseball (sorry soccer, hockey, and college baseball, I don't care about you.) And, in gearing up for last night's BCS mythical national championship game, I kinda knew what was going to happen. People around here were going to start beating their chests about the SEC and SEC loyalty and of course they were going to pull for Auburn. I did not pull for Auburn, and (contrary to what some people think they know) it was not for any contrarian reason other than I like Oregon and have since Dennis Dixon and Jonathan Stewart played there a few years ago. I didn't grow up wearing green and yellow, but I like them. I'm fascinated with the Pacific Northwest, so Oregon, Oregon State, and Washington typically catch my eye when they're playing (sorry Washington State...) I've also had a couple of friends play football at Stanford so I like the PAC-10. I have my reasons, and they aren't just to be different.

That said, I don't get why everybody is into this "conference loyalty" thing. Maybe it's different for me because I attended an SEC institution, but when it comes to the SEC, and especially the SEC West, I hope every team outside of Ole Miss loses every game they play. Ever. Against anyone except for Ohio State (thanks, Arkansas), Notre Dame, Arizona State, any Big XII team besides Texas, or USC. So outside of that handful of teams, I hope the SEC West loses every game they play. Let me be clear on that. And I've got my reasons for each individual school. Personal reasons. Auburn, stole our coach and buys players. Alabama, they beat us all the time. Arkansas, Bobby Petrino sucks and their fans still won't leave us alone even though they've been to a BCS game since Nutt left. LSU is LSU. Everybody hates them. And Mississippi State because of the in state rivalry thing.

But for more than those reasons, too. It doesn't make sense for people loyal to a school to want a rival school to win. Particularly at places like Mississippi State and Ole Miss where the deck is already stacked against us in areas like recruiting, fanbase, media attention, and just general cash flow, it doesn't make sense to want to see your rival schools win because it's a zero sum game. Ole Miss is not going to benefit in any way, shape, or form from Auburn winning a mythical national championship, just like we didn't benefit from any of the other SEC teams that won the mythical national championship a few years ago (except POSSIBLY Florida because we beat them and it was a pretty big deal. But I'm not sure if it did or not.) In fact, it's going to hurt us because we're in direct competition for recruits with Auburn that are close enough battles that something like the mythical national championship could swing the momentum in the wrong direction for us.

It's a zero sum game. People don't seem to understand that. It makes your people have to work so much harder against so much more to move ahead. If a guy like Nick Saban is your coach, who doesn't give a crap what anyone else does as long as you do what you're supposed to do (a lot like John Wooden), then it's not that big of a deal. But that's why the Nick Sabans of the world are so rare.

Now, conference loyalty DOES make sense in basketball because RPI and strength of schedule are important factors in determining your postseason fate. But bowl games aren't decided like that. Bowl games, outside of the mythical national championship game and the rest of the BCS, are based on one thing and one thing only - how much money the participants are going to bring in to the city and the sponsors and other things like that. It's all about money.

People relate it to a family sometimes, but it's like a family where all the members hate each other and spend all year trying to get each other in trouble (ahem...Mississippi State and Auburn) and then when we get to bowl season we're all buddy buddy and are supposed to want them to win? Sorry, that just doesn't make sense to me. And maybe it doesn't make sense to me because I actually got to go to a school that I love athletically (as well as almost every other way you can love a school) and it makes sense to more casual fans. I don't know.

So what is it? Is it about respect? Is it about somehow sticking it to those yankees up north and those...whatever we call them out west to show them the south is the best? Is it...what? I don't really ever get any feedback on here, which is fine, but maybe somebody will answer. I just don't see too often when people start chanting "PAC-10! PAC-10! PAC-10!" after they win a bowl game (which they do quite often) the way people start the "SEC" chant after an SEC team wins a bowl game. Also, I'd be willing to bet that had Oregon won the game Monday night, a whole bunch of Stanford fans wouldn't have gone out and bought Oregon t-shirts the way people do down here. In fact, that's probably the one thing I'm grateful for about being confined to this house right now, is that I'm isolated from all that crap.

Maybe somebody will explain it to me. Maybe I'll see the light. But odds are I'm going to continue to stick by my Rebels through thick and thin, hope the rest of the SEC West loses, and wonder why, after such an incredible game, we don't have a college football playoff? I mean seriously - could you imagine a tournament with TCU, Stanford, Wisconsin, Oregon, Auburn, and Ohio State in there? I'm sure I'm leaving out a few, but dang, that would be fun.

Hotty Toddy
-chanchan

It's a New Year...

Something about the New Year brings out the cynic in me. I tend to resonate more with songs like Death Cab's "New Year" early every January - the whole "so this is the new year, and I don't feel any different" and stuff like that. This year, being all laid up on the couch and such (for now...2 more weeks and I can start to put weight on my leg aka walk) has maybe made me more reflective on the year that's just ended. Part of the thing about life is that regardless of what's happening you have to be constantly evaluating yourself, evaluating what's going on, and seeing what God is showing you through all of it. So what do I take away from the last year?

The easy answer is I don't know. God has done a lot, for sure, and despite some recurring struggles (which are also areas I have significantly improved in) I really think my relationship with Christ is stronger than ever. I've reevaluated (or is it re-evaluated? Reevaluated without the hypen just seems like a weird word to write. Whatever) a lot of things, like church and what I think it is and what purpose it serves and what my role is in it going forward. I've even come to the point of asking where I am supposed to be as it relates to the local church. I've gotten to walk into community. I've gotten definitive answers from God (that have been resounding "nos") in ways I never really have before. And it seems like every time I've wanted to fold up shop and quit what I'm doing, He's reassured me in ways that have been very clearly His reassurance.

I even think God has provided me with some specific direction in my life. There are some doors currently open that are very exciting prospects, and I can see how the "nos" from this year have shaped these opportunities and left these doors open.

So when I say "I don't know" it's not some ambiguous, nebulous thing that I just chalk up to some positive emotions and vibes as I tend to do a lot of the time when I really feel like God's not really doing anything in my life (really, it's an easy cop out). But saying "I don't know" just comes back to the way I've felt like God has always dealt with me...step by step. He obviously deals with people differently, but I've just never been one of those people who has had things figured out. And right when I think I have them figured out, things change. Funny how that works, right?

There was a lot of healing in 2010, too. In the aftermath of one of the lowest points of my entire life during the second half of 2009, God used a lot of people at church and at school to bring healing. There have also been times where, during study and devotional time, He has wrapped me in His arms and reminded me who I am and that what He says about me is what's important - not what anyone else said or did. And that is a phenomenal feeling.

But I'm excited to see what this new year holds. New relationships, new classes, new experiences, and hopefully a deeper, fuller relationship with Jesus Christ are on the horizon. Hopefully a job. Deeper community. More discipleship.

I don't know what 2011 holds, but 2010 was a pretty good year. Here's to another good one.

-chanchan