It's a New Year...

Something about the New Year brings out the cynic in me. I tend to resonate more with songs like Death Cab's "New Year" early every January - the whole "so this is the new year, and I don't feel any different" and stuff like that. This year, being all laid up on the couch and such (for now...2 more weeks and I can start to put weight on my leg aka walk) has maybe made me more reflective on the year that's just ended. Part of the thing about life is that regardless of what's happening you have to be constantly evaluating yourself, evaluating what's going on, and seeing what God is showing you through all of it. So what do I take away from the last year?

The easy answer is I don't know. God has done a lot, for sure, and despite some recurring struggles (which are also areas I have significantly improved in) I really think my relationship with Christ is stronger than ever. I've reevaluated (or is it re-evaluated? Reevaluated without the hypen just seems like a weird word to write. Whatever) a lot of things, like church and what I think it is and what purpose it serves and what my role is in it going forward. I've even come to the point of asking where I am supposed to be as it relates to the local church. I've gotten to walk into community. I've gotten definitive answers from God (that have been resounding "nos") in ways I never really have before. And it seems like every time I've wanted to fold up shop and quit what I'm doing, He's reassured me in ways that have been very clearly His reassurance.

I even think God has provided me with some specific direction in my life. There are some doors currently open that are very exciting prospects, and I can see how the "nos" from this year have shaped these opportunities and left these doors open.

So when I say "I don't know" it's not some ambiguous, nebulous thing that I just chalk up to some positive emotions and vibes as I tend to do a lot of the time when I really feel like God's not really doing anything in my life (really, it's an easy cop out). But saying "I don't know" just comes back to the way I've felt like God has always dealt with me...step by step. He obviously deals with people differently, but I've just never been one of those people who has had things figured out. And right when I think I have them figured out, things change. Funny how that works, right?

There was a lot of healing in 2010, too. In the aftermath of one of the lowest points of my entire life during the second half of 2009, God used a lot of people at church and at school to bring healing. There have also been times where, during study and devotional time, He has wrapped me in His arms and reminded me who I am and that what He says about me is what's important - not what anyone else said or did. And that is a phenomenal feeling.

But I'm excited to see what this new year holds. New relationships, new classes, new experiences, and hopefully a deeper, fuller relationship with Jesus Christ are on the horizon. Hopefully a job. Deeper community. More discipleship.

I don't know what 2011 holds, but 2010 was a pretty good year. Here's to another good one.

-chanchan