One of my friends told me I write best when I'm frustrated, and with the weight of finals bearing down on me plus the annoyance of there being people redoing our roof, completely eliminating the possibility of sleep, I figured I'd write a little bit to calm myself down before I start studying. So here goes.
My battle cry for the last month or so comes from Matthew 9:14-29, specifically verse 24. It reads like this:
"And when they came to the disciples, they saw a great crowd around them, and scribes arguing with them. And immediately all the crowd, when they saw him, were greatly amazed and ran up to him and greeted him. And he asked them, "What are you arguing about with them?" And someone from the crowd answered him, "Teacher, I brought my son to you, for he has a spirit that makes him mute. And whenever it seizes him, it throws him down, and he foams and grinds his teeth and becomes rigid. So I asked your disciples to cast it out, and they were not able." And He answered them "O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him to me." And they brought the boy to him. And when the spirit saw him, immediately it convulsed the boy, and he fell on the ground and rolled about, foaming at the mouth. And Jesus asked his father, "How long as this been happening to him?" And he said "From childhood. And it has often cast him into fire and into water, to destroy him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us." And Jesus said to him, "'If you can!' All things are possible for one who believes. Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!" And when Jesus saw that a crowd came running together, He rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, "You mute and deaf spirit, I command you, come out of him and never enter him again." And after crying out and convulsing him terribly, it came out, and the boy was like a corpse, so that most of them said, "He is dead." But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him up, and he arose. And when He had entered the house, his disciples asked him privately, "Why could we not cast it out?" And He said to them, "This kind cannot be driven out by anything but prayer."
There are a lot of really good things in this passage. But verse 24 particularly stands out to me because I mean it takes balls to admit that. Because I want to look so big and bad and like I have everything all together. I mean, hell, I'm the seminary kid. I'm supposed to not be struggling with anything serious or struggle with unbelief or whatever. And yet here I am, in that very situation. It's the same triggers; finals, boredom, relationships, money problems; any number of things. And the crazy thing is this - I KNOW that finals will be over soon. I KNOW I'm in this…gah…I hate this phrase…season of singleness. I KNOW that God is going to provide for me money wise. And the funny thing about boredom is that I need something like that for a little while. I need some free time to get caught up on Lost, read some books for pleasure, work on my clawhammerin' skills, whatever. I need that time to just unwind and recharge. So really there's no reason to be like this, and there's a part of me that definitely knows this. There's a part of me that doesn't want this. But there's still that part of me that still tries to find ways to be miserable, still a part of me that is always expecting for the bottom to drop out.
And the crazy thing is this. I've been in this situation before. These situations. And God has been entirely faithful in them. I mean looking back over the past year especially - in times where I felt both happy (admittedly very few) and in times when I felt crushed and alone and whatever - God has been faithful to me. Whether it's been a word through studying scripture or just an encouraging word from a friend or whatever…He has been faithful. And as I look back over my Covenant Theology class, I've realized some things about the Bible, and the Old Testament in particular, that I've never thought of before. And the main thing, the thing I'm seeing played out, is that God makes good on His promises. He may very well allow us to struggle through some things and deal with some pretty hard crap, but He will make good on His promises. I was reading in my One Year Bible (which…OK even this is funny because I'm like a week behind but it's still just perfect timing) about Gideon in Judges 6 and the Angel of the Lord appears to Gideon (which…like some people believe that references the pre-incarnate Christ, which is pretty cool) and reminds Gideon "I brought you up out of slavery in Egypt. I rescued you from the Egyptians and from all who oppressed you. I drove out your enemies and gave you their land." He goes on to say more, and really that's not the main point of the story (but it IS the main underlying theme of redemptive history) but God is faithful. This is the same God who has been with me, step by step, for my entire life. This is the same God who has provided for me in these situations time and time again and though I'm frustrated and in a bit of a pinch, I know that God has given me a family that loves me, friends that do as well, and most importantly, He has given us Himself.
In Jeremiah, God has sent the prophet Jeremiah to his people to give them a word. Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you…" is an oft quoted verse for people who are graduating high school or whatever, so much so that it might be a cliche by now, but when God sent Jeremiah, Israel was at the lowest of the low. And at that place, at that point where they were literally worse off than they ever had been before, God delivers that message. And I'm not at the lowest of the low right now (started to get to that point about this time last year though) but I can still rejoice in that promise.
Finally, my response to this situation has been all wrong. God convicted me of that during the hour or however long it was that I wandered aimlessly around the neighborhood that though my response often is to get pissed off or have imaginary conversations (I'm crazy, I know) with the people I feel like I need to talk to or just shut down (which yesterday was a combination of all of those), my response should be prayer and praise. There is an amount of godly grief and all that, but even in spite of that I am to praise.
Anyway, a couple of hours and an episode or two of Lost later, I feel a ton better. I'm going to go take over the world.
Until next time,
chanchan
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