It seems like my life is always on the verge of something. I don't know why that is...maybe I'm obsessed with the new thing, or the next thing? Right now is one of those times. There are some major changes coming in my life in the next 6 or 8 weeks, and I'm ready for them to already be happening. I feel like I'm about to start my "real life." It kind of reminds me of Colin Hay's song "Waiting For My Real Life to Begin" when he says "Any minute now, my ship is coming in...I keep checking the horizons..." and I feel like I have a date circled in my head that everything is going to change. And in a lot of ways that is true. A lot of people know what change is coming, but I'll talk about it here after it happens. Right now I just know it's happening.
And I guess the reason I'm looking so forward to it is that I'm just so frustrated with my current situation right now. I don't feel at home at all. I really never have, at least not in the places the change is coming. Since 6th or 7th grade I've felt like a stranger...it kind of reminds me of the new Death Cab single, "You Are a Tourist" where it says "And if you feel like a tourist in the city you were born, then it's time to go." And that's just what I feel like. It's time to go. But I guess the impatience in me is wanting to rush it.
Tonight, though, was a major breath of fresh air on so many levels. I struggle with some things, particularly as it relates to church. I mean, every Sunday is a freaking rock concert, complete with guitar solos and light shows. I don't know if that's "right" or "wrong" and it's not the point of what I'm trying to say - it's just what it is. And the bigger and louder a production is, the easier it is to fake. I mean, think about it. When I was in 10th grade, the Creed concert in Jackson was the coolest thing I'd ever seen because it was loud and they blew stuff up. As I got older, though, I started to realize...Creed sucks. Their music is awful and it sounds way over produced and all the explosions in the world can't cover that up. So you can fake stuff. And maybe it's not my place to judge "real" or "fake" worship for anyone besides myself (but I don't believe worship is purely experiential because then it becomes subjective and there's no truth to it) but tonight I encountered real worship.
We did the His Heart music camp this week, which is always a phenomenal week. It can be tedious, tiring, and very frustrating at times, but it's so worth it on Sunday morning and Sunday night to see those kids get the chance to lead worship and to see the smiles on their faces and all that. And it's encouraging and it sticks in my mind.
Calvary, to me, sort of symbolizes the start of this whole journey, because last year when I was helping out with Calvary's VBS was when I started asking questions about church and worship and all. Every time I go there, I'm reminded of what real worship looks like. Real worship is messy. It's not always a tight sounding band and a nice looking praise team. Sometimes it's just a dude singing really old hymns that looks so happy you don't think he'd want to be anywhere else. Sometimes it's just sitting back and watching the His Heart kids sing and dance. There comes a point where it's not about theology (which I struggle with), it's not about lights, it's not about guitar solos, it's not about 20 TVs, it comes to the point where it's about loving Jesus and loving people. Because I think if you have those two things worked out, everything else falls into place.
And if you stripped away all that other stuff...if your church service was just in a big, almost completely empty sanctuary, without the lights, without the expensive sound system, without the bells and whistles we've become accustomed to in worship, what's left? Are you still singing loudly, or are you saying it's just not a big deal because there aren't hundreds or thousands of people there?
And I have to ask myself that question. What does my life, my worship, look like in those situations?
I don't know where all of this is going. I know a change is coming. I'm ready for that change. I'm ready for things to be new, ready to feel like my life is moving in that direction. But I still have to wait a little while longer.
But I know that I'm not alone in this.
