How many roads you’ve traveled
How many dreams you’ve chased
Across sand and sky and gravel
Looking for one safe place
Will you make a smoother landing
When you break your fall from grace
Into the arms of understanding
Looking for one safe place
Life is trial by fire
And love’s the sweetest taste
And I pray it lifts us higher
To one safe place
How many roads we’ve traveled
How many dreams we’ve chased
Across sand and sky and gravel
Looking for one safe place
How many dreams you’ve chased
Across sand and sky and gravel
Looking for one safe place
Will you make a smoother landing
When you break your fall from grace
Into the arms of understanding
Looking for one safe place
Life is trial by fire
And love’s the sweetest taste
And I pray it lifts us higher
To one safe place
How many roads we’ve traveled
How many dreams we’ve chased
Across sand and sky and gravel
Looking for one safe place
----------------------------
So this song kind of sums up what I've been going through lately. Last week was really hard on me for some reason...I really had no desire to do anything at all, not academically, not socially, not spiritually. I really just wanted to either lay in my bed and just pass the time or get in my car and drive until I ran out of money to keep buying gas. That's always been a dream of mine...but just cutting out on everyone and everything I love without notice is just something I can't do, no matter how depressed I am or how badly I want to run. Just can't do it. Anyway, it was just this intense feeling of loneliness that even tended to get to me even when I wasn't actually alone. And as always, it was a snowball effect - first it was loneliness, then it was a feeling of worthlessness. It was just a feeling of being lost in the fold - everybody is so busy, so why would they make time for me? Besides, I can't ask them to do something that would inconvenience them, after all...that's selfish! These are the lies I believed last week. These are lies I have struggled with my entire life, at least since junior high (which, I have come to realize, is a miserable period of life for anyone involved, hands down. It's just a super lame time of life...it's like a rite of passage.)
Saturday night was definitely the low point - after the game, I just went home, ordered food, and got in bed. I spent the night angry with myself, angry at my friends, and angry at God for feeling like He didn't know what was going on, or worse, that He didn't care. I just laid there and watched several editions of Sportscenter and episodes of House (yay for laptops with DVD players. Something I've definitely taken for granted but am DEFINITELY thankful for) and then went to bed with every intention of going to church Sunday morning, but I woke up early Sunday morning feeling sick so I didn't go. I laid awake, praying and begging God to pull me out of whatever it was...to bring my focus back to Him and away from whatever it was I was trying to gain life from.
I heard this song somewhere in the midst of all that. It was in an episode of house...One Safe Place. It hit me - that's what I'm looking for. I mean, honestly, I love the college life. Or, I loved the college life. It's past that time for me, but because of a boneheaded decision I made I'm still here. Oxford is not the place for me. I love doing Young Life here...I love my team, I love our kids...I love basketball season and football season has been fun so far, but I have to get out of here. It will definitely be a tear-stained goodbye, but I'm looking for that One Safe Place. It may not be a comfortable place, and it may not be a "safe" place by most standards...but I'm ready to find it. I'm ready to find that place that God wants to send me, which may be a part of my struggle. I want to be there so bad, but for whatever reason He has decided it's not time for me to be wherever that is.
Anyway, that song made me think. Then, Monday rolls around, and I can't wipe this stupid smile off my face. I'm in this great mood, and I'd definitely have to say I was abiding in Christ and letting His life and His joy flow through me. It was an amazing day. Then, today, even though it wasn't a "good" day by any stretch, it was more of the same.
And I came to realize, that for me, right now, that One Safe Place is exactly where I am, as long as I'm resting in the arms of Christ. As long as I am seeking to allow Him to live through my life, I am in that place. So that's my struggle...to stay here, in His arms, living life today and letting tomorrow take care of itself.
And for those times when I (or the maybe one or two people that might accidentally read this) feel lonely, remember this:
Psalm 139:7-12
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,"
Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day
Darkness and light are alike to You.
Nowhere is away from His hand. Not even in the depths of that loneliness.
-Chanchan
